Ep. 177: The Bipolar Side of Me

Kourtney Cromwell:
Welcome to the indoubt Podcast where we explore the challenging topics that young adults often face. Each week we talk with guests who help answer questions of faith, life and culture, connecting them to our daily experiences and God’s Word. For more info on indoubt, visit indoubt.ca or indoubt.com.

Kourtney Cromwell:
Hey, everyone. So happy to join you for this episode of indoubt. My name is Kourtney, and I’m the indoubt Coordinator. On today’s episode, Julie Kraft joins our host Ryan, and they open the discussion even further on mental illness. Julie was actually diagnosed with bipolar II disorder several years ago and has learned to accept her diagnosis and take it in stride, allowing God to use her to hopefully change lives. So, take a listen and let us know what you think.

Ryan McCurdy:
Today I have with me Julie Kraft, and I’m excited for this conversation to take place. She’s an author, and she’s a mental health advocate based in Vancouver, my own backyard. Julie, it’s great to have you here.

Julie Kraft:
Hi. Thank you so much for having me. I am thrilled to be here to share here a little bit of my mental health journey and my faith journey, and how it’s all intertwined, so it’s an honor and a privilege.

Ryan McCurdy:
Cool. Why don’t we dive right in? If you could in 30 seconds, what’s your story?

Julie Kraft:
Okay, wow, 30 seconds.

Ryan McCurdy:
Okay, minute, maybe a minute.

Julie Kraft:
A minute, okay. I am, yes, as you said, an author and a mental health advocate, but it took me a long time to get to today. I’m actually a pastor’s kid, and so I grew up in the front pew of the church. Throughout the week, I did feel like I was in a fish bowl, and then when I was 10 my parents moved our family across the country to Vancouver, and I’m thrilled to be living here today despite moving around the world a few times since. I live in Vancouver with my husband of 23 years and our three daughters, and I have bipolar II disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 36 after decades of hurt and heartache. That was nine years ago, so it’s taken me a lot to get to today, but there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. I wouldn’t change any of it, so I’m excited to share.

Ryan McCurdy:
Yeah, so, please. My knowledge of the topic of bipolar is, I have to be honest, I don’t know very much. I kind of gotta plead the ignorance card a little bit. I’m not a psychologist. I’m not a psychiatrist. What is bipolar?

Julie Kraft:
Okay. If you were to go online and Google bipolar, a definition that would probably pop up is it’s a serious mental illness that brings extreme and unpredictable changes in mood, energy and behavior. These emotional swings include highs, which are called mania, or hypomania, and lows, which depression. It was actually called manic depression until 1980, and then the name changed to bipolar, but some common questions that I get, is it biological? Yes, it absolutely is. If you were to take a scan of my brain and compare it with another brain that’s not bipolar, you would definitely see physical differences. I’m not a doctor, or psychologist, psychiatrist either, but in simple terms, the chemical messengers in my brain, my neurotransmitters, they’re not firing as they should, and that’s as technical as I can get.
It’s also genetic, so you can be genetically predisposed. For me, if you were to go up in my family tree you’d definitely find mental illness in my family. You can absolutely be genetically predisposed. Also, it can be triggered by a life event. Whether that’s a traumatic event, a death in the family or a financial crisis, a stressful big change, that can trigger bipolar. It usually shows up in people late teens, early 20s, but sometimes yeah, it can be triggered later on in life. Even recently, I read that if life doesn’t throw anything major your way, you could be genetically predisposed, but never fully experience it.

Ryan McCurdy:
Really?

Julie Kraft:
As I said, I’m not an expert, but for me, there’s definitely that family history. The tricky thing with bipolar is there’s no blood test that you can take. I think scientists are working on a brain scan that would tell, but to be diagnosed, doctors and psychiatrists, they’ll look at your symptoms and your family history. Everybody’s experiences are so different that a lot of people often are misdiagnosed, or the depression, they’ll be diagnosed with depression, but they’ll miss the mania, so they’ll get a diagnosis and be on a medication that isn’t necessarily the right one for them. I think the key feature for bipolar is the mania whether it’s the extreme or the more milder version.

Ryan McCurdy:
Mania or hypomania, did you say?

Julie Kraft:
Yeah. That’s where you’ve got two main types of bipolar, bipolar 1 in which you hit full-blow mania. You are flying higher than a kite. You could have delusions, hallucinations. That’s where you get the reckless spending and people doing things completely out of character whether it be with drug use, so that would be mania. That would be bipolar 1, and then bipolar II. Certain people have said, “Bipolar II, that’s bipolar light or diet bipolar,” only in that the hypomania is less severe. That will present in a person with bipolar II, just wild energy, wild creativity, excessive talking, not wanting to sleep for days. The effects of hypomania might not be as severe. People with full-blown mania often need to be hospitalized to get that under control, but I’ve also heard that bipolar II is just as difficult because there’s more depression with bipolar II.
With both bipolar I and bipolar II there are definitely things that need to be managed. Back to getting a proper diagnosis, I think it’s just so important for anyone that is seeking help or going to a doctor to just walk in and be 100% honest about every symptom. I needed to remember that doctors are actually on our side. They want to help. They’re in their profession to help people. I needed to do everything I could when I went to see my psychiatrist, when I was initially being diagnosed, I needed to just lay it all out there. I think sometimes we think, “I could never admit that, that would be really bad.” My fear was, are my kids going to be taken away? How am I going to handle that? Is my husband going to get casseroles delivered, and I’m going to be in a padded room?
I had visions of me being rolled away on a stretcher, and that didn’t happen. Even if I did, I now know that maybe that would have been the best thing for me in that moment, if I needed to go to a psychiatric facility and get an assessment. I waited until I was 36 to go and get help, and I can’t help but think if I had gone in my worst moments, if I had gone to the hospital for help I know that I would have walked out with a diagnosis two decades earlier. I could have saved my husband and my family so much hurt and heartache.

Ryan McCurdy:
Would you say that after receiving your diagnosis that you began to learn how to manage them?

Julie Kraft:
There are so many parts of my treatment plan or my recovery. I know even the term recovery is a sensitive one for some people. For me, nine years in, I’m fine with it all. I don’t see it as a negative thing. I am bipolar. I have bipolar, but I absolutely know that for others they have bipolar, and they would never want to be told that they are bipolar. I respect all of that. I know throughout my journey I’ve gone through all those phases where I only wanted to say, “I have it,” because in the grand scheme of things it’s a huge part of me, but it’s a small part of me. I love art, and photography, and traveling, and collecting junk on the side of the road. I think as an advocate talking about my bipolar journey 24/7, it does become a bigger part of me, but yes, I’m fine with all the terminology.
Getting that out of the way, back to my treatment plan, yeah, there are so many parts. My faith sets the foundation at the grass roots for everything else. I accept the way I’ve been wired, but I do feel like God provides so many different resources for us whether it be Christian counselors, books, churches, community groups, so many resources. I think it’s up to use to take responsibility. God will do his part, but I think we have to do ours too. First and foremost, for me, aside from my faith, it was me taking my mask off and being vulnerable. The minute I did that the pressure was off. I didn’t have to pretend like I had my act together. I can now tell a friend, “You know what? It is not a good day, I need to cancel,” and I know they’ll understand.
I just felt so much pressure to always put on a smile and tell the jokes. I created this vicious cycle. I was this happy-go-lucky, Karaoke-singing, joke-telling person, and then that’s what people came to expect, so on my down days I was so afraid of disappointing them that I would put the mask on and try to keep up that façade. It just kind of caught up with me and my world sort of came crashing in, so taking off that mask was huge, finding out that I wasn’t alone. I even had some people that were very close to me private message me and say, “I have bipolar too. I’ve been looking at you from afar. You look like you have your life together. I had no idea you were struggling.” I just think, wow, what if I had kept my diagnosis under wraps for the rest of my life? That was a huge part.
Another part was, yeah, researching. I look back on my diagnosis as day one, okay, I knew I was struggling. I knew life had been an uphill battle, but I finally had an answer and a reason, not an excuse, but I had a starting point. Okay, this is what I’m dealing with. I think we can try to fool ourselves, but I think we all know when we’re struggling and when we’re having a hard time. For me to have a name, whatever that name needed to be, and sometimes I’ve thought, “Let’s not call it bipolar disorder,” but that happens to be a name that it’s been given. Then that gives me something that I can research and learn, and then medication, a lot of self-stigmatization over that too. Why would I need to take medication to function like the rest of the society? Is it going to make me a zombie? Am I going to have foam coming out of my mouth?

Julie Kraft:
I now realize bipolar is a biological issue. I have a medical condition that needs to be treated. I do believe God provides doctors and medicine that can help us just like an EpiPen for a bee sting or insulin for diabetes. If someone were to show up in church with a cast on a broken arm I hope no one would question their faith. Billy went for the cast this week, he must not have prayed enough. I got over that, and I know that my medication isn’t the perfect fix, but it’s helping me to be the best version of myself. It’s actually helping me to be here right now. It’s helping me to be the best wife and mom I can be, so that’s a part of it. Then just becoming self-aware of my triggers, and so I’m not spontaneous.
I’ve been able to tell my friends, “Hey, if you want coffee with me, it’s going to be like 2021. Get your calendar out.” I’m not spontaneous because I think I’ve now been able to explain, “When I’m meeting you for coffee I’ve already plotted my route, where I’m going to park, what I’m going to order, where I hope to sit,” and so to call me the morning of and say, “Hey, yo, I’m changing plans, let’s go to this coffee shop,” my whole world gets flipped for a minute, and I don’t know how to respond. It becomes stressful, and I shut down. Yeah, being able to say, “Look, I’m not spontaneous. I know that I need my sleep.” What else? There are just so many things that I now know. I have a hard time keeping my house clean, so don’t come and knock on my door unless you’ve called because I’m not going to answer.
Another thing, the phone, for whatever reason. I think it’s because I have a hard time setting boundaries. A phone ringing will just, ah, panic through my veins because I’m going to be caught off guard, so text or email. I’ve learned to tell my friends, “If you call, and it’s not a national emergency, I will never pick up,” so they know that. A text or an email gives me time to know what do they want? How am I going to respond?

Ryan McCurdy:
A question to interject into this is to ask, what’s the best way that others can support somebody with bipolar? Even what you’re saying, I hear you saying sudden changes, surprises, nope, no thank you. That’s not what I want. I don’t need that. Are some of the trends and themes that maybe for you, maybe different people with bipolar are different, but for you, is that one of the things?

Julie Kraft:
Yeah, absolutely. I think because mental illness is unseen, it’s often feared because we fear what we don’t understand. A lot of people, they care, they just don’t know how to care. They’re on the sidelines, and they want to help so desperately, but they’re afraid of doing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing. A few things that have helped me is I love it when people actually ask me, “What’s it like to live with bipolar disorder? Are you stressed right now?” Then I have the opportunity to explain to them, and then more importantly is when people actually say, “You know what? I took the time to ask. You told me, but I actually listened to what you said, and I respect that.” When I do get a text instead of a phone call that makes me feel safe and respected in that relationship.
Now I have a few people that try to weasel in, and they’ll still call me or show up at my door because for some reason they think they’re the exception, but it’s like, “No, I mean it. I’m not going for coffee until next December.” Then another thing is also it helps if you ask someone when they’re in a good place or when they’re doing well. Ask them, “How can I support you when you’re not doing well?” A lot of times when people aren’t doing well, they’re either not going to pick up the phone, or they’re not going to give you an honest answer, or they’re going to get defensive and push you away. If you can ask someone when they’re in a better frame of mind, they may be willing to say, “Yeah, this, this and this.”
Another thing, people might think they’re bothering someone, or if their phone calls don’t get answered they might think, “You know what? I’m never calling again,” but call. Leave a message. Even if we don’t pick up, we still listen, and we still know that you care. I think it’s better always to show someone that you care than not. When people do show me they care it fills up my reservoir of love and positivity, and that’s what gets me through those darkest moments. I think when you are in those dark, dark moments, knowing that people are around you even if you didn’t answer their call, knowing that they’re there and they care can carry you through some of those darkest moments.
Then tangible ways. For me as a mom, school pick up can be really hard. Small talk, ah. Panic again. For someone, if they know I’m having a hard time, for them to offer to pick up my kids, or bring over a meal, just lightens my load, or grab milk, or groceries because when you’re in a darker place all of those things can seem overwhelming and like these mountains that you can never climb, so all of those things. Even for church on a Sunday morning I would stress about getting coffee and how do the urns work? Which lid? I always get the wrong lid, always. For someone to say, “Can I grab you a coffee, and you know what, I’ve saved you a seat,” that can mean the world, so just the simplest things. Just never underestimate the power of just a simple message. Those are all ways that people living alongside can reach out and help.

Ryan McCurdy:
I think getting to a point where you can understand that okay, how do I support the other person, and how do I truly love them like a person and not like a project that I want to get something out of? One of the questions I want to ask you, and if it’s okay to go there, is you mentioned the words deep, deep, dark, and then at another – when you’re in a dark place. I think there’s many people who experience depression. I don’t know if depression on its own is different from bipolar depression, but I’m just curious. In that space, what is that like, the depressive state? Then after that, I’d be curious what the manic state is like from behind your eyes?

Julie Kraft:
Yeah. Absolutely, I’ll go there. I’m an open book, literally. I think a lot of people think bipolar is just swinging from one extreme to the next, but there is a middle ground. I have had moments of genuine happiness because I had a lot of friends say, “Have you been faking it this whole time? Have you been wearing a mask with me? Which Julie did I get?” I want to tell them, “No, there are times when I do feel balanced, but then yes, I’ve definitely had those depressive episodes.” My deepest and darkest depression without a doubt was way back when I was 19. I had my first serious relationship end very badly. Some people might say, “Woo, let’s buckle up and see what’s coming,” but basically, it ended. I was ghosted, and for me, a very sensitive person, I never had closure. I was devastated. The love that I thought I had had left without warning and unanswered phone calls. For someone like me, that’s just devastating.
I think a lot of times too we compare our sadness to someone else’s, or we say, “Someone else has been through something much more difficult than me, so I don’t really have an excuse to be sad about that,” but our feelings and our experiences are valid no matter what. If they crush you, and you’re sad, that is enough. We should never compare ourselves to anyone else’s journey. For me, that started the spiral of that year. I skipped classes. If I did go, I fell asleep because I had no energy. I ate the same thing every day all day. Friends would ask me to go out, and I just would stay in my dorm room. If I did leave my dorm room to head to class, sometimes I didn’t make it. I would hide in a bathroom, so that’s what that year looked like.

Julie Kraft:
A lot of times with depression, for me, I lose confidence. I start comparing myself to everyone else around me. Sometimes walking up the street is difficult. When you start to compare yourself to other people it’s very easy to beat yourself and feel worthless and like a loser. As a wife, I’m not a great cook, but I do other things well. I would compare myself to wives making five-course meals and moms that had their kids in every activity. It’s easy to go down that road, and then you withdraw. Then people keep calling, and you screen their calls. Now you’ve got two voicemails to respond to, and then five emails to respond to. They just pile up, and then the thought of returning calls just gets overwhelming.
Then before you know it, you lack motivation. Then the housework piles up, so the kitchen is dirty, and you don’t have the energy to do that. It is a really hard place to be. I think, for me, when I’m in that place I’m so thankful that my family is aware that I’m there. My husband is great. He’ll just look at me and go, “It’s okay. Pressure is off, you’re having a down day. You know what? Just be today.” The freedom in that, to just allow me to be me is incredible. Even my kids, they’ll just say, “Mom, we love you.” I have a lot of guilt and shame over some of the things I did with my kids when they were younger. I would yell sometimes, and I didn’t put them in sports. They didn’t have a lot of birthday parties. I couldn’t quite handle those, but kids are kids. We’re the only parents they have, and they’ve said, “Mom, we wouldn’t trade you for any other mom.”
My 11-year-old, she now understands that Mommy’s brain is wired differently. She has shown me that yes, it’s okay. Kids are resilient, and kids can show unconditional love. In my darker moments, I always cling to the fact that feelings are temporary, and the light is always there. Even on the cloudiest, darkest day in Vancouver, the sun is always there behind the clouds. I once heard during a sermon years ago, and I’ve never forgotten it, don’t do in the dark what cannot be undone when the light returns because it always returns. In those moments it’s so hard, but I cling to all of the incredible memories and knowing that people are around me.
That’s a glimpse of my depression, but then just as quickly, I can feel incredible, confident. I pretty much glide and skip through the streets of Vancouver. I will talk to anyone on the street. I will order a special coffee whereas before I would only order black in a to-go cup because it’s easy, and I don’t want to trip. I will order a temperatured coffee with a custom foam on top, and then ideas. Just like ideas for t-shirts, and businesses, and websites, and bags, and who needs sleep, and all these things? It’s the most incredible cloud number nine. You’re high on life. Before I learned how to manage it, it definitely had its pitfalls. People would think I had been drinking because I would just be giggling and having a good time. I didn’t want to sleep, so I would go four days without sleep. Then I would crash, and who needs to do groceries when you’re working on the best t-shirt on the planet? The fridge is empty, dinner isn’t getting cooked. I’m ignoring my children. When it’s not managed it can have devastating effects, not only personally, but on the people around you.

Ryan McCurdy:
You said to me just briefly as we were walking in, you were saying, for you, it’s not that you think outside the box.

Julie Kraft:
There is no box. Those are the parts that I’ve now learned to embrace, and I see as gifts. I want to be so responsible with how I use them and so when I have an idea I know that I need to be responsible and balanced about pursuing it. I know that I need to pick and choose my projects wisely. I’m on a social media break at the moment, but it’s because I knew that to finish a few projects I needed to steal time back. It’s like I have a bigger yes for certain things, so I’ve learned what my no’s have become. When managed, the sky is the limit. I call it my rocket fuel. I have a lot I want to get done, and if I’m wise and responsible about it, I know that with God’s help and the people around me and their support, hopefully, I’ll be able to accomplish some amazing goals in my life.

Ryan McCurdy:
That was beautiful because I think that’s the Christian walk, is to say, “This is what I’m doing.” This is my life, and in my coming and going in the ordinary life of my life, and ordinary is subjective. Ordinary means something different for different people. We want, as followers of Jesus, his light to shine through us. You’re doing that while having bipolar disorder. I think that’s amazing, and I think that’s really encouraging. I think that is, as we end this episode, that’s what I want to end with, is to say despite our brokenness he invites us when we surrender to him to have a lifelong relationship with him. Out of that relationship of forgiveness and healing, spiritual deep healing that he wants to use us for his glory. No matter who’s listening or no matter where you’re at, this episode hear Julie’s story and let that be an encouragement to you. We’re going to have another conversation with her, and we’re going to get into a few more things of the nuances of what it was like for her to share her story, what it was like for her when she was first diagnosed, so looking forward to our next time we have together.

Julie Kraft:
Thank you.

Kourtney Cromwell:
Thanks so much for joining us for this episode of indoubt with Julie Kraft where she shared about her personal journey surrounding mental health. You can find Julie on Facebook and Instagram @Julie.Kraft.author where she shares about her bipolar II journey. She’s also written a personal memoir titled, The Other Side of Me,’ and if you’d like to get a copy, you can go to her website at www.juliekraft.com. I’d like to take a quick second just to let you know that this month is indoubt’s fiscal year end. So, indoubt is a nonprofit, and we do rely on your guys’ support to be able to keep providing resources for you that help you connect your faith to life and culture. If you’d like to help the ministry, you can head to our website and anything that you’re able to give, we would greatly appreciate.
Thanks again for joining us for this episode of indoubt. Next week will be part two with Julie where we hear what it was like for her to share her story when she was first diagnosed. So, check back with us then for a brand new episode.

Kourtney Cromwell:
Thanks so much for listening. If you want to hear more, subscribe on iTunes and Spotify, or visit us online at indoubt.ca or indoubt.com. We’re also on social media, so make sure to follow us on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.